The Essential Journey of Self-Discovery - Part 2

At what point in a person’s life do what should count in life really matter?  This is not even a question to which there can be a universal answer, since no standards exist by which the right answer can even be determined.  How can there be when no agreement exists on the things that matter in life?  What matters to one doesn’t necessarily matter to another. One could, for example, assume that everyone agrees that all people have a right to live and breathe free air; or that everyone should be able to worship without being harassed, forcibly converted or killed by people who hate them; or that everyone deserves to love and be loved.  To my mind, none of these is so far fetched as to invite the disagreements that they do in our world.  Yet, the reality is that all around us are people who not only believe the contrary but actively deny others the right to live, worship freely and love who they love.  Among the tragedies of this reality is not only that such people exist but that they, mostly adults, teach younger members of their families and communities the same values of hate and destructiveness that define their own existence.  This fact makes it difficult to hope for a world in which peace, genuine love and mutual understanding reign over malice, bigotry and killings of the other.  Why?  The reason is because children who are taught to hate cannot become loving adults unless a very rare supernatural experience occurs at some point in their lives.  Generally, hateful children grow into bigoted adults who bear false witness against those who they hate, deny them opportunities and/or kill them.

Perhaps the question to ask is: To what extent can one continue to hope as one lives with a sense of history and embraces the blessings of aging?  Aging confers on one the ability to celebrate life’s continuity in the face of challenges and realities over which every human is powerless.  However, aging also represents an accumulation of history that constitutes the main building blocks of a person’s life.  Thanks to the image and memories that are formed by those blocks, aging positions the older person in a place where he/she does not only look back at the history of the life lived but can also, if he or she chooses to engage his/her abilities, get a glimpse into a future yet to come.  This is possible because, not only does history not exist in a vacuum, it also informs the future.  It is in this context that the aphorism of the old philosopher, George Santayana can be examined and understood - that "Those Who Do Not Learn From History Are Doomed To Repeat It”.

The process of self-discovery is a walk in which every individual should probably engage at some point in his or her life.  It requires a certain degree of  self-consciousness and a realization that one does not have everything, does not know everything and has not produced everything that one is capable of.  Once engaged, the process of self-discovery is a very personal journey whose end the human mind cannot possibly determine from the beginning.  For this reason, a very high degree of open-mindedness and questioning is required for a successful walk. The hope is that among the eventual outcomes of this journey would be increased understanding and acceptance of self and others, higher levels of knowledge, an ability to understand and listen to an expressed challenge of orthodoxy and a deeper ability to genuinely and passionately love self and others - even those that one might ordinarily consider impossible to love.  At this point in one’s life, the ability to embrace and promote good is palpable and the willingness to challenge and shun bad is not only sincere but is effortless and consistent in its display. We cannot be as selfless, open and loving toward others as we ought to be unless we know and embrace who we are at a much deeper level.

If we can each become the same person in private that people see in public, if we can understand and accept that we are neither in fact superior or inferior to others, if we can love genuinely and embrace our own infallibility and work to make ourselves better humans, then we may actually be on our journey to self discovery. So let it be said of us!

The Essential Journey of Self-Discovery - Part 1

In my subconscious quest for self-discovery, I have learned how little I know about my own life. While I know the history of my life, as I would assume that most people do, and the memorable circumstances that define that history, I now understand that I only know pockets of what my subconscious has registered as the significant events of my life. Therefore, I ponder a little about questions that some might argue would be relevant only if the potential value could be of great significance.  But how do I know what the potential value might be if I paid no attention to the questions that my mind ponders? 

What about those events in my life that I do not know or do not recall?  Are they insignificant or do other people who know and can recall some of those aspects of my life use those aspects to define me?  Doesn’t that therefore mean that there is something actually normal in what we tend to complain about, that people judge us unfairly based on little or no information that they have about us?  In other words, people will never know all about us, but they will always base their assessments of us on partial information - and that is okay, since we do not truly know all about ourselves either.  If I asked someone who knows me well for their impressions of me (what sort of person he/she thinks I am), chances are that what I would hear the person say about me would be things that I was not thinking or had never even thought of about myself.  Does that mean that the person is wrong in his/her assessment of me?  Perhaps not; nor does it mean that the person is accurate because who I truly am is much more than the product of a simple reflective exercise.

What we think we know about ourselves and others may be no more than just a glance, which we then amplify into an image that never truly tells the complete story of our existence and/or who we are.  We are able to market ourselves and others as good, bad, superior or inferior based on the images that we have created that may or may not be wholly true about ourselves and others.  What is really true is that our life stations are often determined by circumstances over which we have no control. We are not always successful just because we work harder than others but often because some circumstances align in our favor to help make us so. For example, we have no power to stop time or to determine what people would cross our paths in life.  Yet, the impact of time and connections and inter-connectedness (or lack thereof) in the life of every living creature cannot be overemphasized.  A year goes and another comes as one day folds and gives way to the next, then one week followed by another, and a month after the one before it.  We live, not because we are special and do great things, but because we are beneficiaries of grace bigger than us.  I know this because I am a product of that grace, a fact that makes me feel no greater or less than anyone else and, yet a fact that I feel confers on me responsibilities beyond what would otherwise be my own human and natural desires for self-aggrandizement.

A Tie That Binds

I had lived my entire life without any major health concern but I never considered myself invincible.  I considered myself fortunate because I was, and remain, very conscious of my humanity, with all of the attendant frailties. Also, I have been around long enough to know that being human is a tie that binds. That tie binds me with so many that have died, including those who died young during the period since I have been alive.  One of those is my mother who died at age 36.  I consider every breath that I take and every wakeful moment in my life to be a significant blessing, since none of that happens because of me. Even that has taken on new (and perhaps urgent) significance for me as I have aged.  I do my best to approach each day knowing that every one of those days takes me closer to the end of my journey in this beautiful world.  More than ever, I find myself more comfortable now with knowing that the the day will come when I will no longer be counted among the living.  I must confess that I do not like that reality but it is one (possibly the only) area of life in which the embrace of helplessness is healthy.

Despite the careful manner in which I have generally attempted to live my life, I am not longer immune from the kinds of health challenges that most of us will confront at some point during our lives.  It was exactly a year ago that fate brought me in contact with the major health experience that I had never imagined and did not expect.  I did not dread the diagnosis, nor did I dread the treatment options that I was offered.  In retrospect, that was only due to multiple reasons, among which were the following:  First, I had a fair amount of time to prepare for the treatment because, for several months during which medical tests were performed for determination purposes, my doctors carried me along by sharing with me every piece of information about their findings and listening to my questions and treatment preferences.  Second, I am blessed to live in a country with superb medical facilities and physician acumen.  Third, I had very significant support from the areas of my life where it really mattered. 

Then came exactly a year ago and I had to walk alone in and out of a major surgical procedure for this medical condition with which, just like many men around the world, I had become afflicted.  For someone who had never spent a day on admission in any hospital and had never had a surgical procedure performed on him, this was a very significant challenge but not for reasons that I or anyone could have anticipated. The seriousness of the surgery notwithstanding, such procedures are now routine; thanks to the incredible medical advances from which we benefit in the United States.  However, the initial post-surgery period produced experiences that were uncertain, confusing, fearful at times, humbling and fraught with powerlessness and gratitude as I realized how potentially close I got to that life-state that had previously been unthinkable and for which I could not truly say I was prepared.

Most people who know me well will find out about this experience for the first time, as they read this or hear this episode of my podcast.  That is because it was never in my plans to discuss this experience. It is also the case that, until now, I have discussed this health experience with only very few people for obvious reasons.  Many other people will consider it shocking that I would be so open in this forum because I am generally a very private person.  Well, there are reasons why I had not spoken or written about this previously and why I am doing so now.  One, I did not want anyone to feel sorry for me rather than focusing on the miracle of my recovery and the lessons to be learned from the experience.  Second, I wanted to spend time in the mental and spiritual zones to which this experience had transported me without losing sight of the significance of silence and the potential distractions of noise.

Now, I have chosen to write and speak about this publicly for the following reasons: First, having been blessed with the opportunity of communication platforms such as I have, I realize that I have a responsibility to encourage all men to pay strict attention to all issues relating to men’s health.  This means having a primary physician, recognizing those health challenges to which men are prone, undergoing all medical evaluations when due, and complying with all medical recommendations when prescribed.  Second, it is time for men and women to clear out of their minds the traditional myths about what causes specific illnesses and learn the true causes and treatment of whatever symptoms they may be experiencing at any given time.  Third, people are dying in large numbers in developing countries because of poor access to good medical care.  All of us who have the means and influence to effect some improvement in healthcare in such societies, even at the most basic levels, should actively do so.  Fourth, all men who have experienced any form of illness that strikes men should speak and teach about their experiences.  Women should also learn and be ready to speak and teach openly about their own health experiences.  By so doing, we can save one another’s lives. Finally, men who think that they cannot suffer from major illness are inadvertently digging their own graves because we are all susceptible to illness.  Being in denial of any symptoms only speeds up the process of dying. 

It has not been my desire to present this health challenge that I experienced as more serious than it actually was because I know that it could have been much worse.  Yet, I am conscious of the fact that one never really knows how another experiences periods of loneliness, helplessness and pain.  Everyday, I think about the very supportive people in my life who carried me through that period which, thanks to great medical care and support, was very brief but also very significant.  Often, I wish there were stronger words of appreciation than “thank you” but I also know that some ways that I can show my gratitude are to always remember to live in daily recognition that I was not responsible for my own recovery and to do my part in lightening humanity’s burden until the bell tolls for me.